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5 Ways to Sneakily Read in School

5 Ways to Sneakily Read in School

You’re sitting at your desk, unobtrusively though suspiciously hunched over doing something during class you really shouldn’t be doing. Your classmates to your right can’t tell if you’re watching porn on your cell phone. To the left, your friends are snarking over your nerdiness. At the front, your teacher is staring you down, stopping the lecture in its tracks and everyone can feel the halt. Now all eyes are trained on you, silently blaming you for the interruption.

You look up. And before you can run away flailing or redirect the teacher’s efforts to find you out using your awesome brain manipulation skillz, the teacher walks right up to your work area and bends over. Somebody snickers. But, instead of shooting the brave soul a death glare, your teacher discovers your mysterious contraband. There this killer of dreams and fiction finds a half-eaten pack of Kit Kats and your blinged out kindle open to a particularly stimulating scene in which somebody’s bra is around their waist. You are quite simply mortified. Your blotchy red complexion has given you away more than anything on your desk ever could.

You’ve been caught.

Solution #1: Fake It Til You Make It… to the Bathroom
Suddenly slide out of your chair and let gravity crash carry you to the floor. Let your eyes squint and let out an animalistic snarl that sounds like you’d bite the next person’s head off who tries to come near you. Or cry. Cry a lot. Clutch your stomach enthusiastically. Slowly, roll back and forth across a few inches of floor space. This is the part you want to be most careful. Don’t roll too far out, or else a) you’ll bump into someone’s chair and knock yourself unconscious (hospital bills are expensive) or b) your act will come apart because it looks overdone.

When the teacher comes rushing to your side, don’t be afraid to overdo a little bit. Claim you’re having increasing stomach pain and need to stumble your way to the bathroom.

The Result: Your teacher will feel horrendous for casting suspicions when you’re suffering astounding constipation, though your classmates may not be able to look you in the eye again.

But you shouldn’t have to employ such extreme escape measures. Before it progresses to this stage in your situation, take some preemptive precautions to ensure the survival of your dignity in a classroom.

Solution #2: Distract and Frame

It doesn’t even have to be a paper ball. It can be a Twizzler, a key ring, or even a stapler (of course, you’d have to also shop for staples to lay on your classmate’s desk for effect). Make sure that whatever it is, evidence can be left on the desk of the person next to you to trace the crime right back to him or her. And do it when this person isn't looking. Be creative. The thing you most have to worry about is your aim. While throwing something might be a decent-sized distraction, it won’t hold your teacher’s attention for very long. No, you’ve got to get personal… as in personal space. Demolish your teacher’s sense of safety.

The Result: Between screams of assault and dismissal, your teacher will be too busy turning tomato in the face while he engages in a yelling match with your fellow scholar. This way you can read happily without worrying about your teacher’s unwanted gaze landing near you.

Solution #3: Subtly Get People Talking Around You

What you want to do is pick a topic full of controversy, something that will compel people to argue. Things like: Elena should be with Stefan (bah! I’d argue on Damon’s behalf all night), Fred should have died, bears run faster uphill, etc. Anything you would debate over should be running through your head. Pick one you feel most passionately about. So when you mention the equivalent of Stefan’s name, everyone around you should lean over and fire out a counter argument. Pretty soon you’ve got a heated debate between half of your class. The good news? They are completely surrounding you.

The Result: The teacher you’re trying to get off your back now has to fight his/her way through a jungle of opinions and thrashing bodies. There’s no way you’ll be spotted now. I feel compelled to warn you, however, that there are two other possibilities: your claustrophobia will force you to drop kick the nearest smothering body or you could potentially lose yourself in the heat of debate, in which case the whole purpose of your distraction is now moot.

Solution #4: Claim a Seat in the Back

Take care to choose clothes the same color of the flooring on the classroom. Also, if you’re worried about hygiene and cleanliness, simply bring a blanket with you—the same color of course. Just don’t fall asleep or get too engrossed in your reading to call out for attendance.

The Result: Blissful anonymity. Your teacher won’t be able to find you.

Solution #5: Block the View

You can use anything to do this. There are so many options: folders, books, a giant purse, a large pencil case, a cat, or even, my personal favorite, an umbrella. As conspicuously as possible, place this barricade so that it blocks prying eyes completely and you can have your contraband out in the open.

When your teacher walks over to make an inquiry about your alarming display of defiance, the key is to make the authority figure believe that nothing is there. Should your teacher look to your classmates, you’d have already bribed them with favors for later and they’ll make sure he believes he’s seeing things.

The Result: Your teacher will claim a leave of absence to check on the extent of his psychological issues which have resulted in hallucinations. Everyone knows a substitute teacher is as likely to smoke pot right in front you as to leave you alone the rest of the semester.

You have learned well, my young protégé. Now it’s time for you to practice this art of deceiving your teacher. Advance in skill and then one day, one day you will read without interruption. Go forth, and fear no darkness or pointed looks! You will find success.

Got something specific in mind? Dare I believe I might NOT have covered something you wish to know? If so, let me know down in the comments section. Also, I'd like to know if you have any embarrassing stories about getting caught in school doing something you shouldn't. It can be as tame (or not ;D) a story as you like. Do you like reading during class?


Ezmirelda Demetri said...

I'm going to need to do every single one of these to get away with it. Teacher's hate it when we read in class lol, you know, besides reading the textbook. I got in trouble once because my friend grabbed one of my books and started playing catch with it for some odd reason. I got it back so I can quietly resume reading underneath the desk, but it caught my teacher's eye and she took it away from me. Lol, but eventually I got it back so yay. Fun times~!

Audrey (Bibliosaurus Text) said...

I used to use a hair clip to keep my book open on my music stand in band class. I mastered the skill to play scales and other memorized stuff while reading! I still read on the stand in my community band rehearsal, but it's easier now that I have a Nook and don't have to worry about pages flipping.

Keertana @ Ivy Book Bindings said...

I actually have done these before...does that make me a terrible student? Seriously though, I sit in the back of all my silly classes (FRENCH!) and just read on my Kindle. It's also SO easy to block the view of it and hide it somewhere, usually under a folder, and since it doesn't have the light like iPods, it's foolproof! ;) I really am such a bad kid... I love this post though! :D

Leanne A. said...

In junior high (before high school and things got damn serious whence I felt some sort of obligation to succeed) I would discreetly hide a novel behind my textbook that was standing upright on my desk. I would also always participate quite a few times in the beginning of the lesson to avoid being called on later. I only did this during classes that were boring as hell, though. ;)
It was pretty awesome. =) And really great post!

Lisa Schensted said...

Claiming a seat in the back is DEF the way to go.

Princess Ash said...

Ahh, Lisa, I don't see your face enough :) AND YOU ALREADY KNOW. I just need to get less obvious outfits to properly execute this method.

Princess Ash said...

Ha, I felt NO obligation to succeed and so discreetly hiding novels was MY THING. My teachers all knew each other somehow and would make it a game to see how often they could catch me or throw me off because it was rumored that was all I did in class xD AND YES. I would totally raise my hand at random points in a discussion to avoid their prying eyes.

Oh, those were the days. I don't feel right doing it now in college, because, you know, PAYING for school is whole 'nother story. THANK YOU =D

Princess Ash said...

Er, no. That makes you a creative and devious one. In fact you were far too clever a student to be considered MERELY a student. I wish I'd thought of these sooner myself, because now in college it doesn't sit well with me to avoid lectures, even if they are boring. That's why I pretend to enjoy not having a Kindle Fire, because the light would be a dead giveaway xD Bad kid? If you mean so bad it was good, then yes. Thanks ;D

Princess Ash said...

Ok, that's masterful because it's so inventive. I NEVER WOULD'VE THOUGHT OF THAT. Yes, that's why it's so utterly convenient to have an e-reader because it's so much more easily concealed. Although, if your school has a policy against electronics and you get caught, it's harder to talk yourself out of harm's way... There are no perfect solutions, it seems :K

Princess Ash said...

YES. And then tell me if you do walk out unscathed by teacher's glares and/or nasty remarks. My teachers didn't like it but they also smirked when they caught me which means they couldn't have TOTALLY hated it, you know? And damn those friends who don't understand and tease you and bully you until your addiction is picked up by the teacher. Did you punch him/her in the neck? I would've. And see, you're such a good person. I would've grappled with the teacher and inevitably got sent to the principal's office xD

AlisonCanRead said...

Hahaha..I was such a goody two shoes in school. I pretty much always listened. Or at least pretended to.

Sallie M said...

Solution #4 was my JAM in high school. I officially blame my high school math teacher for my obsession with reading to this day. His 5th period probability and statistics class was the easiest place to sit in the middle of the classroom reading whatever and for the entire class while the popular kids kept his attention. He was like an unappealing Professor Slughorn (if you catch my HP drift)(not that Slughorn was appealing), favoring the jocks and the "interesting kids". Blending in with the ground was not necessary. As long as I looked busy and I wasn't texting, reading was fair game. Maybe that's why my probability of getting sleep each night is statistically low because of reading late into the night.

Have I babbled on long enough? Excellent post, thanks for sharing!

Laura BurgandyIce said...

Ah... I combined #4 & #5 at the soccer game Saturday. I dressed like a soccer mom to blend into the scenery and crossed ankle-to-knee to block my book from view. When caught I applied the "Nothing to see here, move along" Jedi mind control.

Christina Franke said...

Haha, I've definitely done the last two. I don't have the stones for the others. I made it through a couple of my awful library science classes by reading in the back with my book under the desk. The spiteful TA didn't catch me. HOLLA!

Princess Ash said...

Ah but you said "pretty much." So that seems to leave room for us to interpret that there may have been a time or two when this was not the case... Also! I'm a very bad liar, so I don't pretend well. xD

Princess Ash said...

That is ingenious. You not only successfully employed these methods but you also used MIND BENDING SKILLZ. That's advanced skill level right there, my friend. You are masterful.

Princess Ash said...

Ha, I wish I would've thought to include pebbles or stones in that second one, lol. As much as I used to want to be a librarian, just the words library science do not sound pleasant. You are devious indeed, getting away with such incriminating behavior. If only your teacher knew about your hidden, clever depths... HOLLA FOR REALS!

Princess Ash said...

PLEASE. Don't blame the math teacher. You know you loved it and didn't need his provocation ;D Oh, and when you just blend in that way it IS perfect to commit punishable behavior. It serves the teacher right for being too absorbed with everybody else. (I disliked Slughorn in the movies immensely, he was such a quiet snob) How fortunate for you that you didn't have to take extra measures with your clothes. HA. *fist-bump* for late-night readers. I would say we should join a support group for a problems, but it something this good can only be right, right? Late night reading is AWESOME.

Nothing is every considered babbling here. Because then I'd have to consider myself a babbler, and I don't like the title xD Thank you! :D

Asma said...

Haha, would've tried those at school, but now I'm home-schooled. (I can read all I want)

Princess Ash said...

Aw, see now you don't even have to worry about going through such extraordinary measures. But doesn't your parents/tutor/person kind of glare down at you when you read during your schoolwork... Or do you NOT read then like a responsible person? xD